Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Maths meets science
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.