Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through