I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.