Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)