hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!