boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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War & Peace
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.