Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.