Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
best review i’ve ever seen
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂