[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Haha! 😂
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god