call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Lunatics are gonna loon.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.