Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground