Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.