Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Phones down.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
You learn something every day
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.