to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
went fishing caught a bass
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”