Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
inside you are two wolves
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Bro what is this
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.