I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Oh yeah that’s it
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
6. me as a lawyer
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different