I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.