Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
DOOO EEEET
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Wait a minute…
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room