boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-