… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
All set.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?