I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do