So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.