A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.