Not messing around
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Cause of death: Zumba
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
How funny!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy