Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.