My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Finally!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*