every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.