I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna