Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.