In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!