[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof