[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.