“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.