Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem