Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out