crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt