My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
stand with me against insufficient seating
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college