Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
No regrets in 2018
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.