“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*