[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”