A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two