People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover