[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
He-man has a Masters degree
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape