Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
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Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
liiiiiiiiike
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?