*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Dammit Chief not again
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper