choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.