Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Holy moly
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.