Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
respect
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.