Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered