Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Dishonest mechanic?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.